


Done surviving

by vcdbtch



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Blood, Fluff and Angst, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24837124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vcdbtch/pseuds/vcdbtch
Summary: This is also on my wattpad and Fanfic.net but i figured i would post it here for the heck of it.-Merlin was done. He was done with everything, done with the pain, done with the sorrow, done with the despair, done with the guilt, done with the lies, done with the secrets and done with love. He was tired of fighting a losing battle with his depression as it sucked him in a little more with every passing day.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Kudos: 67





	Done surviving

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:   
> There is a brief description of sharp objects and self harm so if you think this may trigger you. please click away and read something happier.

Merlin was done. He was done with everything, done with the pain, done with the sorrow, done with the despair, done with the guilt, done with the lies, done with the secrets and done with love. He was tired of fighting a losing battle with his depression as it sucked him in a little more with every passing day.

He sighed when he realised the time of day. The sun had just started to peer through his window, shining over his bed and onto the wall behind him. He closed his eyes and laid on his bed in the warm sun for a couple of moments, until he realised he had to get up to serve the Prince for the last time.

You see, he had a plan. He was going to serve the prince one last time, then leave letters to both Giaus and Arthur explaining his -sudden in their eyes- death. He was going to end his pain, end the suffering, it was better this way...for everyone.

He got up and changed into his normal attire before having breakfast with Giaus, usually he would simply run along to work and skip breakfast because he was late but today he woke up early to have one last breakfast with his mentor.

After he had a rather disgusting bowl of porridge he practically dragged himself to the kitchen where he retrieved the Prince's meal then retreated slowly back to his chambers. Once he reached the door he straightened up, took a deep breath and plastered on that fake smile he had come to master over the past month or two. He barged in like usual, knowing the prat wouldn't be awake yet.

He carefully set the tray of food on the table before heading to the bedroom. He smiled a little when he saw the Prince lying on his stomach with the blanket half off, exposing his father muscly back and arms. He walked over to the window and pulled the curtains apart, spilling sunlight into the room. When the Prince didn't awake he rolled his eyes and walked over to his side where he literally dragged him off the bed onto the floor. Once his body hit the floor he sprung up quite quickly and shot Merlin a deathly glare.

"what was that for M _erlin_?" he asked as he composed himself. Merlin shrugged and strutted back to the kitchen where he placed the food on the table and filled a goblet with water. Arthur sat himself down and began to eat while Merlin scurried around in his bedroom, cleaning and organising since the prat had no idea what either of those words meant.

Arthur watched him closely as he walked around the room with the same unreadable, dull expression he's had plastered on his face for the past month.

"Merlin, is everything alright?" he asked when Merlin seemed to be standing in the middle of the room, lost in his thoughts. The servant snapped his head around and smiled before continuing those chores.

After he had finished he walked back to the table and collected the plates where he took them to the kitchen. Just as he was about to leave the chambers Arthur spoke again.

"Merlin, you would tell me if something was the matter right?" he asked, Merlin smiled and nodded before turning back and instantly the smile turned into a tight frown. 

What he didn't know though is that Arthur has caught on to those fake smiles and knows better than to believe he's alright when he has one on his face. He sighed and walked back to his bedroom where he lingered around to wait for Merlin to come back so he can get his armour ready for training with the knights.

Not even five minutes later Merlin was back and walked up to him and put his armour on without saying a word which was strange, he always had a snide comment to say or some gossip he heard from Gwen or Morgana.

"all done" he said softly before walking out the door with the Prince behind him. Arthur watched as he walked a couple feet in front of him, he watched as his knuckles turned white from holding them in a fist, he watched as Merlin sharply turned the corner and walked down the steps, two at a time without tripping. He sighed and walked over to meet his knights and start practice, usually he would use Merlin as a dummy and laugh at his expense but he sensed something was upsetting him so he decided to just skip that part of the training and go up against his knights.

Later that night Merlin took the Princes armour off and drew him a bath without a single murmur coming from him. He simply did his job then left as Arthur bathed himself them came back once the Prince was dressed. As Arthur climbed into bed he watched as Merlin began to walk away, the Prince sighed and walked after him. 

"okay Merlin, what's going on with you? You've been extremely quiet lately and you haven't tripped or knocked anything over in weeks" he said grabbing the servants arm.

"nothings the matter, Sire" he assured him with a smile then began to walk out again. He stopped once he reached the doorway and turned back around to face a rather concerned Prince.

"hey Arthur?" he said softly,

"yes?" he replied, 

"thank you, for everything" he said with a soft smile before turning and practically spiriting off before he could say another word.

Merlin sat at his desk, he got an old piece of paper and some ink and began writing his letters. For Gaus's letter, he thanked him for being the best mentor and father figure, he thanked him for teaching him to control his magic and giving him a place to stay while also being there for him when he needed it. For Arthur's letter however, he explained his magic, he explained the lies, the guilt, the secrets. He explained it all, he even confessed his love to Arthur.

Merlin sighed the papers then folded them and placed them under his pillow before drifting off into slumber.

***

Merlin woke up just before the sun was risen. He changed into his normal attire and patted his messy hair down until it was tamed enough for his liking before he walked over to the bed and took the letters to the living area. Merlin smiled at his sleeping mentor and gently placed the letter in his hand before walking to the Princes chambers.

It was still dark out so there was no one around, just the Guards which Merlin managed to avoid. He shook his head when he saw the two Guards outside the Princes chambers asleep on either side of the door. He quietly walked past them and slid inside, closing the door behind him. Once inside, he placed the letter on the table and left again, he couldn't bare to see Arthur again or he might change his mind.

He walked past the gates of Camelot and headed to the forest without looking back. Once he reached the Lake of Avalon, he kneeled down beside the water's edge and took in the scenery. The sun was rising which reflected on the water, leaving yellow ripples as the wind moved the water.

Merlin pulled out his dagger and ran his finger over the edge, looking at himself in the reflection of the metal. All he could see was a liar, a betrayer and someone who didn't deserve the courtesy of life. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes before he dragged the blade against his skin. As soon as the sharp blade pierced his soft skin, all the weight he had ever carried floated off his shoulders and he felt free. For a few moments, he clutched the dagger in his hand and looked at the scenery. He briefly wondered if he was making a mistake but then the memories of the pain and lies came back to him and he realised this was what he wanted. 

His vision soon became blurred at the edges and he suddenly felt very lightheaded. He sat the dagger beside him and lied down on the grass, watching as the fluffy clouds made shapes and waited for the darkness to take him.

***  
Arthur woke up to the sudden flash of sunlight spilling into the room. He groaned and rolled over, expecting to see his manservant bright smile but instead he was met with his former manservant. He shot out of bed and looked him in the eye, noticing how nervous he looked. 

"Good morning sire" The boy smiled politely.

"Where is Merlin?" The prince narrowed his eyes at the boy who was shifting his weight on each foot and avoiding eye contact.

"No one knows sire, Gaius said he was not in his chambers when he woke up so i was sent as his replacement for the day"  
  
Arthur cocked his head to the side and nodded in response. He knew Merlin was perfectly capable of looking after himself and he figured he had just wandered off and lost track of time, though that didn't stop the sinking feeling in his stomach. Still, he threw on a shirt and followed the servant to the table where his food was set out. He couldn't help but notice how Merlin would have organised it better if he was here. The prince slumped down in the chair and picked up a piece of bread before he noticed a letter at the end of the table. He dropped the bread and dusted off his fingers before he reached out and picked up the letter.

"where did this come from?" He asked his servant.

"It was here when i arrived, sire" The boy shrugged before he went back to his duties.

Arthur nodded and dismissed his servant of his duties so he could read the note alone. He opened the envelope and was surprised to see a fairly large letter inside. As soon as he started reading, he knew who's handwriting it was. He had watched Merlin long enough to knew what his handwriting, posture and walk looked like. The letter looked to be some sort of explanation so the Prince got comfortable and began reading.

_Arthur,_

_I thought i should begin my explaining my behaviour these past few months. To do so however, i have to reveal a secret that iv'e been keeping from you since i came to Camelot, a secret i have had since birth._

_There's no easy way to say this but i'm a warlock, i have Magic. Iv'e been moving things around since i was two years old which is why my Mother sent me to Camelot in the first place. She trusted in Gaius to teach me how to control my magic and use it for greater purposes than clean my room or do my chores. He taught me how to heal people with Magic, how to save people's lives and to come to terms with my power_.

_Once my Mother died, i began to get unmotivated. I started having Nightmares about the past, about her death, about my life in general. Gaius helped the best he could but it was not enough to stop the nightmares so i began to confide in the Dragon. The Dragon i told you i killed a year ago, the truth is i let him free. It was a deal i made with him when i first came, when he told me my destiny...you, you're my destiny. My purpose on this earth is to protect you until the day i die so you can become the Once and Future King of Camelot._

_I will no longer be able to serve you however, since my duty has now come to an end. I told you i will die a loyal servant and that's just what i am doing, i am passing with the knowledge that i have saved you and your men. I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for lying to you, forgive me for not trusting you, forgive me for leaving you._

_I love you, Arthur. I love you with my entire heart and i will continue to watch over you and protect you until we meet again._

_Merlin_

Arthur was shocked at what Merlin had just confessed. Merlin is a sorcerer, the same Merlin who couldn't even walk on his own two feet without tripping. For a moment, he was frozen. He didn't feel any emotions or feelings, he wasn't mad or upset, he was silent. He stood up and marched to the Physician chambers, hoping Merlin was back so he could explain the letter.

He knocked on the wooden door and waited. He heard a muffled 'come in' so he opened the door and was met with a seemingly anxious Physician. Gaius was pacing back and forth with a similar letter to the one Arthur got in his hands.

"sire, have you seen Merlin?" he asked.

"No, i actually needed to talk to him" Arthur pursed his lips and handed Gaius the note. He watched as the older man's eyes darted left and right as he read. He squeezed his eyes shut as he neared the end of the note.

"Do you know what this is?" He asked as he waved the note in the Prince's face. When it was clear he wasn't going to get a response, he continued. "This is a suicide note, Merlin is planning to end his life"  
  
***  
  
"do you have any idea where he could be?" Arthur sighed as he paced back and forth.

"I may know but i cannot be sure" Gaius said.

Arthur stopped pacing and walked over to him. "where?"  
  
"i believe he may be at Lake Avalon" 

"why there?" Arthur furrowed his eyebrows. As far as he knew, Merlin had no reason to go to the Lake. It wasn't even on Camelot's borders.

"Lake Avalon is where Freya is buried" Gaius explained.

"The druid girl?" 

"She and Merlin fell in love, they were planning to run away together when..." he trailed off. Arthur squeezed his eyes shut as he remembered the girl he and Merlin had saved but she dissapeared without a trace.

"I'm going to find him, i'll bring him back safe" Arthur said before he ran out the door. He sprinted through the halls of Camelot, weaving in and out of the seemingly thousands of Servants until he arrive at the stables. He jumped on the first horse that was saddled and galloped out of the castle into the forest. 

As he got closer, his heart began to hammer in his chest. He wasn't sure what he was going to find when he got to the lake, he hoped to god he could get there in time. His palms started to sweat against the leather reins but he refused to let go, even for a second. As he got to the hill that overlooked the lake, his eyes frantically darted along the shore line desperately hoping Merlin would be sitting safely at the edge. He ushered his horse forwards when he saw a figure lying on the ground. He yanked the reins and slid off the horse before sprinting as fast as he could towards the figure.

Arthur skidded to a stop and dropped to his knees beside his servant. His breath hitched in his throat when he caught sight of the blood running down his arm and pooling on the grass. For a brief moment, he was frozen. He was sure no one could survive loosing the amount of blood that was pooled on the grass and he thought he might be too late.

"Merlin, come on wake up!" Arthur screamed but to no avail. He ripped a strip of cloth off his tunic and tightly wrapped it around the wound before he slid one arm under his neck and the other under his legs and picked him up. He ran back to his horse and hauled Merlin on before he climbed on himself. He situated him so his head was rested on his shoulder before he wrapped his arms around his waist and grabbed the reins.

The cool breeze brushed against his tear stained cheeks but he couldn't bring himself to wipe them dry. He was too focused on keeping Merlin safely on the horse and getting i'm back to Camelot before it was too late. Once Camelot came into view, he hastily wiped the tears of his cheeks and tightened his grip around his waist.

"you're going to be okay" Arthur whispered into his ear. "God, please be okay!"

Arthur slowed the horse down to a trot when he passed the gates. As soon as they got to the stables, he slid off the horse and pulled Merlin down with him before he sprinted off to the Physician chambers. The Prince got a lot of strange looks as he weaved through the people, he supposed it was because everyone treated Servants like a piece of meat and they weren't supposed to show affection to them.

Once he got to the wooden door, he kicked it open with his boot and carefully put Merlin onto the patient cot before he moved to the side to let Gaius do his job. The older man visibly winced when he saw the blood on his arm but he said nothing, instead he set about getting the materials to clean and dress the wound. 

"is he going to be alright?" Arthur said as he dropped to his knees beside the cot.

"Time will tell my boy" Gaius sighed. "take him to his bed so he's comfortable if he wakes"  
  
Arthur chose to ignore how he said 'if' and instead focused on lifting his friends limp body up and taking him to his room. He carefully put him on the bed and pulled the blanket over his body. Gaius checked over him once more before he left the room, leaving the two boys alone. The Prince sighed and pulled the chair from his desk beside the bed and carefully watched him.

He hesitantly brought his hand to his servant's face and ghosted the back of his hand across his sharp cheekbones, down the side of his face and along his jaw. He let his hand drop to his chest and flattened his palm against his rib cage, letting the feeling of his heart beats distract him. The feeling of his heart beating against his hand was calming because it meant his heart was pumping blood into his body and it was enough to give him hope.

After a while of watching his servant, his eyes began to droop. He stood up and hesitantly bit his lip before he walked to the other side of the bed and slid underneath the blankets. He wrapped his arms around his waist and nuzzled his head into his neck before he fell asleep.

***  
Arthur woke up to the feeling of a hand running through his hair. He shot his head up and smiled when he was met with Crystal blue orbs looking back at him. Merlin smiled at him, despite the tears in his eyes. The Prince sighed a breath of relief and wrapped his friend in a hug.

"i'm so sorry" Merlin sobbed into his shoulder. Arthur said nothing but tightened his grip around his waist.

"you have nothing to be sorry for, but i would like to know why you felt like you couldn't come to me" Arthur said as he pulled away and wiped the tears off his cheeks with his thumb.

"i'm just so tired of keeping secrets" Merlin breathed out. "i'm tired of never being enough"

"you're not disappointing anyone, you saved our asses more than we realised" Arthur smiled. "and as for the secrets, i got your letter. I know about the magic, i promise i'll keep you safe and i wont tell anyone unless you want me to"

"Then why do i still feel like i'm betraying everything you believe in?"  
  
"I never believed that Magic was evil, that was all my father. Sure, i did see more of Magic being used for evil instead of good but i always knew there were people out there that used it for the greater purposes like heal their loved ones" Arthur said.

"i'm sorry" Merlin smiled sadly and rested his head on his Prince's shoulder. Arthur smiled and wrapped his arms around his waist, drawing shapes on his back as he whispered reassurances in his ear.

The two sat like that for a while, Arthur leaning against the headboard with Merlin wrapped tightly in his arms, his face nuzzled in his neck. It was only when Merlin's breathing slowed down did Arthur remember he had a council meeting to attend to. He didn't want to leave Merlin alone so soon but he knew if he cancelled the meeting his Father would want an explanation and he knew once he told his Father, the entire kingdom would know and he didn't want that. 

Arthur sighed and carefully situated Merlin back onto the bed before he quietly walked out of the room. On his way out, he asked Gaius to keep an eye on him which he was happy to do. He quietly closed the door behind him and headed to the hall.

The entire meeting was torture for the Prince. His Father droned on and on about seemingly unimportant things while Arthur anxiously tapped his finger on the side of his throne to stop himself from just walking out. He was extremely worried about leaving Merlin alone, even though Gaius was looking after him. 

Halfway through the meeting, Arthur tuned out his Father's voice until it became background noise and his mind immediately went back to Merlin. He internally cursed himself for not noticing Merlin's sadness over the past few months. Sure, everyone seemed to notice the change in the servants attitude and demeanour but no one really thought a lot about it. They noticed how his smile never reached his eyes, how his laugh was more of a forced chuckle, how some days he wouldn't laugh at all. He had been acting strangely too, he was more polite and obedient to the Prince even behind closed doors. His posture was always slumped forwards as if protecting himself, his eyes often had dark circles as a result of lack of sleep. Everyone noticed a change, yet no one did anything about it.

***

Life after the incident went by like it usually did. After proving to Gaius he was no longer a risk to himself, Merlin was able to go back to work. Arthur of course protested and offered him another week off but Merlin insisted and said he needed to get back into his old routine. Both Gaius and Arthur were hesitant to let the servant go off on his own, they also knew what it was like to be treated like something fragile and they figured Merlin was probably sick of being treated like he could break with something as simple as a change in the wind.

Arthur started off by giving him a few easier chores a day, making sure he wasn't around anything dangerous as he did so. Merlin went about the chores he was assigned like normal, though he did notice a few people stop what they were doing and stare at him. At first he thought it was nothing but when Gwen took Merlin aside and told him she was always there to talk he realised word must have gotten out about what he had done and now everyone was walking on eggshells around him.

Still, he decided not to dwell on the mistake he had made and set about going back to his daily routine and after a few weeks, he was back to his old perky self. To the Knights and Servants, Merlin was a happier version of himself. His smile reached his eyes, his laugh was genuine, he would stop and talk to a few of the servants even if it meant he was late for his chores. To the people he was close to however, they could still see the weight on his shoulders, they could decipher a fake smile from a real one, they could tell the good days from the bad, they could see he was still effected by his attempt.

Arthur lent forward in his chair and watched as Merlin silently waltzed around his chambers, picking up any stray pieces of clothing and dusting the window sills as he did so. His shoulders were hunched over, his hands were clenched in fists at his side when he wasn't busy and his eyes seemed glazed over. It was killing the Prince to see his servant so upset and it killed him even more to think no one noticed before and it almost caused his death.

"Merlin" Arthur sighed. Merlin stopped dusting the window sill for the third time and walked over to the Prince with his arms obediently clasped behind his back.

"Yes sire?"  
  
Arthur hesitated for a moment before he pulled out the chair beside him and gestured for Merlin to sit beside him. Merlin cocked his head to the side in confusion but complied. The room was uncomfortably silent before Arthur decided to speak up again.

"Are you alright?" 

Merlin furrowed his brow and looks at him as if he's grown a second head. "yes sire, why?"  
  
"well for a start, you just called me sire" Arthur's lips twitched into a small smirk at the look on his servants face. "but more importantly, everyone can see something's bothering you"  
  
Merlin's face faltered into a frown and his eyes instantly darted to his lap, suddenly finding his hands very interesting. "it's nothing, don't worry about it" he said before he went to stand up, only for Arthur to grab his wrist and gently pull him back down.

"Something's bothering you and i want you to tell me" Arthur begged and gave Merlin his best puppy eyes, something he knew his servant couldn't resist.

"it's just-" Merlin started but trailed off. "in my letter i said that i had magic and when i woke up you said you were fine with it but it's not fine, is it?"  
  
"what do you mean?" Arthur sighed and turned turned in his chair around to face his servant properly.

"do i have to remind you of the law? if your Father found out i'd be dead which seemed like a good idea a few weeks ago but now-"

Arthur sighed and reached over to grab one of Merlin's hand, gently running his finger over his knuckles. "Merlin, i said it when you woke up and i'll say it again, you're secrets safe with me"  
  
Merlin looked up and smiled at the fond look on Arthur's face but it still didn't stop his worry. Then there was the fact that he had lied about his magic for over 6 years. Arthur may be okay with him having magic but there's no way he isn't upset about him lying about it. 

"Then there's the fact i kept it from you for over 6 years. I honestly don't understand how you're okay with that, you should at least put me in the cells for a few days as a punishment or something"

Arthur reached out and grabbed Merlin's other hand, gently tugging him forward and pulling him onto his lap. He tried to ignore the way his heart was pounding in his chest and focus on the boy in front of him.

"Merlin, i completely understand why you kept it a secret. If i'm not mistaken, the first thing you saw when you arrived at Camelot was an execution. You cant expect someone to just blurt out they have magic in a kingdom where you are executed without trial. I would have done the same thing if i were you"   
  
Merlin felt tears well up in his eyes but he refused to cry so he tried to blink them away which only succeeded in making them slide down his cheeks. Arthur lifted his hand off Merlin's hip and softly wiped the tears off his cheeks. His stomach swelled when Merlin closed his eyes and lent into the touch and he suddenly got an overwhelming urge to kiss him. He tried to fight the urge but the way Merlin was looking back at him with glistening eyes made his heart swell and suddenly he was unable to control his actions.

He reached up and wrapped his arms around Merlin's neck, gently tugging him down and closing the gap between them. Merlin immediately melted into the kiss and put his hands on the Princes shoulders to steady himself and kissed back. As soon as their lips touched the weight lifted off of the servant's shoulders and was replaced with a new found sense of security. Finally being so intimate with his Prince made him realise everything might just be okay after all.


End file.
